Man Magazine’s 25 Man-Tasks Every Man Must Do Before He Dies

1. Butcher one’s own Hartebeest using only a penknife and pocket-comb
2. Hand-roll the perfect cigar; place in a Lucite case to be smoked upon one’s deathbed
3. Master the art of single-tear cry
4. Master the art of removing a front-clasp bra with one's toes
5. Learn to make the deadliest cocktail, the Dank and Steamy
6. Serve a Dank and Steamy to Norman Mailer's ghost
7. Defend a lady friend’s honor by employing a rear naked choke
8. Learn the difference between a fedora and a trilby
9. And also a homburg, why not
10. Spend at least one year’s salary on a bottle of Scotch
11. Put one's faithful dog of twenty-three years down, but only after staring long into its eyes and reaching an understanding
12. Write an essay on euthanizing the dog and sell it to the Paris Review
13. Learn how to say “humidor” in twelve languages
14. Climb every mountain, ford every stream; but you know, in a manly way, not the way that a nun would
15. Locate and purchase the car in which you were conceived
16. Rebuild transmission of said car and present it to your dying father as a gift upon the anniversary of your mother’s death
17. Sit a while in absolute silence in the passenger seat as your father runs his trembling, spotted hands over the walnut burl dashboard before switching on the radio
18. Listen to “Reeling in the Years”
19. Wait, that might be a little too on the nose, let’s make that “My Old School”
20. Upon the death of your father, drink the bottle of Scotch in a single sitting and crash the car into the first tree you successfully climbed as a child
21. Fix car and sell on EBay for a profit
22. Learn to express one’s feelings by not saying or doing anything
23. Also, no writing anything down, that's cheating
24. Seriously
25. One more? Um, read Moby-Dick?