Paranormal, Don't You Know

MATTHEW 

BOO, I say, what.

MARY 

How now? Whatever is this ghestly apparition, don't yew know, at my window, all a-peekin'-in?

MAT

AHA Mary, darling, 'tis I, your own Matthew, breechin' the space between worlds. I hev become a Heathcliff, wandrin' the moors and tappin' at panes.

MAR

Oh Mathyew, yew nevah did read much, did yew? But it's not your brains that my loins miss so. Come in and revish me, my sweet zombie cousin!

MAT

ALAS Mary deah I am unable to engage in such congress. I am only heah to do this one cameo for the Christmas special and then I must dress properly before poppin' back to the afterlife for drinks.

MAR

But Cuz, tell me—what is it like, yew know, in heaven? Dost one hev all the staff one can no longer afford here on Earth in these trying days of post-industrialization?

MAT

It's a bit of all right—evah so many people there—that footman fellah who died in the war, for one, what's his name—and oh, Sybil is there—and—take this kindly—only she's very dull—pretty to look at but—well, you may hev dodged a bullet with her dyin' and all—OH and the funniest thing, your cousin is there, the one thet died on the Titanic, only he says he suspects sabotage, somethin' about bein' cheated out of an inheritance—

MAR

Oh Mathyew, let's not talk of characters no one remembers anyway. How long hev yew left with me, my toe-headed spectre?

MAT

Not long, my pet—I may gaze on your eyebrows but a moment longer—and Mary, there is one thing—

MAR

OH tell me! Tell me anything.

MAT

Mary... Edith's quite the bitch, what?

MAR

OH MATHYEW I'VE MISSED HEARING THAT MOST OF ALL.