19 February 2013

MOAH SPOILERS don't yew know

We herewith present earlier drafts of Mr. Fellowes's first-draft ending for the fantastically-popular-and-in-no-way-phoned-in-by-a-cast-who-were-already-out-the-door Downton Abbey Christmas on Ice Special.


MARY is in bed looking slightly disheveled but still in the bloom of English womanhood. (Ask Michelle to maybe tousle her hair? Something with the eyebrows. Oh, those eyebrows.)

Oh dearest Mary now that you have issued forth a tiny new Earl we need never have sex again! Once again Britannia is safe from the Hun! Cheers Huzzah.

Indeed Matthew it is the happiest of outcomes. Now we shall be happy forever and ever and ever to the end of our painless and exceedingly long lives! 

I find myself so overcome with emotion that I must now leave this happy, happy tableau! Farewell, gentle Mary, I will see you anon and for the rest of our aforementioned freakishly extended lifespans!


MATTHEW exits looking very much a young Earl-to-be in the prime of English manhood. He dons his rakish cap and smiles to the heavens. Immediately a piano falls upon him ha take that Dan Stevens you ungrateful bastard film career my arse oh God what do I do now all I had was this show

Alternatives: falling safe? quicksand? dingoes

1 comment:

  1. Other endings Fellowes may have considered:

    Matthew exits the hospital only to find that the upstairs doctor is moving to new quarters. A piano falls on his head.

    On the way back to Downton with the good news of his heir, Matthew stops by the blacksmith’s barn to remind him of the significant rent increases coming up, now that the estate is no longer being mismanaged. “All for the good of the Downton and all, what ho!” An anvil falls on his head.

    Lady Mary has become obese in the final weeks of her pregnancy. Matthew tells Mary how much he loves her, but never quite makes eye contact. Still, her eyebrows are lovely. He has picked up a salad with non-fat raspberry vinaigrette dressing on the way back, and offers her some. After hours of labor, Mary sends him away and eats a large chocolate chip cookie instead. In the hospital lobby, Matthew chokes on a cherry tomato.

    Matthew uses the wrong fork at dinner. The Lady Dowager does him in with a witty comment.